Making Friends with Your Emotions

Anole

The following is excerpted from my upcoming book, Soul of the Seasons…

I have always felt my world intensely—some might even say, theatrically. I’ve even been called a “drama queen” a time or two. Though the reasons for emotional reactivity are varied and complex, I have worked hard to become a master of my emotional responses rather than a hyper-reactive slave to them. Mastery, of course, is always a work in progress.

As a result of my intense emotional expressiveness I have often been labeled “too sensitive,” or over-reactive, that I’m an attention-seeker. One idea I have always resisted, however, is that emotional expression, however intense, is inappropriate. From my perspective, I simply refused to have my feelings ignored, dismissed, or discounted. In the past, if anyone so much as hinted that I was being “too emotional,” that I should “calm down,” I promptly emoted all over everything and everyone. No reactivity there, right?

When we were little and cute we were more graciously allowed to freely emote in response to our world. Adults might have even found our emotional expressions amusing and perfectly normal. We giggled and frowned, we earnestly cried out our sadness and bitterness and grief. We might have pitched fits of anger when our outer world refused to respond to our inner needs.

At some point—for some of us, painfully early in life—in response to our emotional expressions we were likely told to “grow up” or “settle down” or be “good.” We may have been taught that good girls should not express anger but instead smile and look pretty. We may have been told that big boys shouldn’t cry or show vulnerability. “Shake it off!” might have been the prescribed response to pain and hurt, any anything less showed weakness—something to be avoided at all costs.

“Boys must never be weak,” is a message that is still imprinted in our psyche. When expressing strong emotion we might have even been spanked or called names like “crybaby” or “sissy” or “bitch.” My childhood was filled with messages not so different from these.

There is woefully little sacred space for the expression of authentic emotion in our culture. Instead of being initiated into the wonderful world of emotion when we are young, we learned to judge (or discount or dismiss) our feelings. We may have learned to criticize them as bad, wrong, or inappropriate instead of shining the light of truth onto the nature of our emotional responses. Instead of authentically feeling and then releasing emotion, we have trained the mind to analyze difficult situations. We move away from uncomfortable feelings and make more “rational” decisions.

In our need to detach from our discomfort we often explain away or “spiritualize” our emotions. (Love is the only answer!) We may come to believe that calm (read emotionless) rationalization is far superior to honestly expressing our emotions as they arise. However, our more challenging emotional states—especially those we label “bad” or “negative”—are really invitations to make choices that are in keeping with our Divine Destiny.

Fire spread2For instance, our anger and frustration with life’s challenges can be transformed into the emotional and physical fuel necessary to carry out our vision. Our deep longing for joy can transform the pain and loneliness of a broken heart into the deep connection that lies within authentic relationship. Indifference or a lack of nurturing can be transformed into a more grounded appreciation for our talents and accomplishments. Our hurt and anger over being disrespected can be transformed into a much-needed time of reflection and the opportunity for rebirth.  Fears over an uncertain future can transform into the birth of new visions. And so it goes with the cycles of life, the energy and wisdom of one season feeds and nourishes the next.

Our core emotions of grief, anger, and fear are not character flaws to be pounded into submission or doggedly eliminated. They are part of our holy human state. Our emotions possess sacred medicine, a medicine that helps us to move with authenticity and integrity through the seasons of life. With a willingness to become vulnerable to our humanity and our emotions, we can learn to live with more grace, kindness, and tenderness for all, and most especially, for ourselves.

Our bodies possess an innate intelligence that is infused into our very cells. Each cell is encoded with the capacity transmit information. Our cells not only have their own awareness they also possess awareness of all other bodily cells, and, of the surrounding environment. This sophisticated system of internal (and external) intelligence through cellular communication provides the capacity to function without continually engaging in active conscious thought—that, would be exhausting. Fortunately, we do not have to continually remind our heart how to beat or our lungs to take a breath.

Our cells also possess emotional memory that can activate visceral responses to certain smells, sounds, or circumstances. These stimuli have the ability to trigger powerful emotional experiences anchored in the past. It’s why, though Grandma may have died five years ago, the smell of cinnamon rolls evokes the same feelings of comfort we experienced while sitting in her kitchen, or how the sound of a train whistle can stir up the loneliness we felt when Dad left us decades ago.

Recognizing the physical resonances unique to each emotion can help us become more responsive to the circumstances at hand, instead of reacting out of impulse. And when we pay close attention to our emotional signals we can more easily identify what we are feeling in the moment—the only place we have the ability to make a choice. With this conscious awareness we can then more artfully navigate the difficult seasons, and appreciate the more inviting ones. We can more effectively meet our unmet needs instead of repressing or self-medicating our feelings away.

Your emotions have much to teach you. Introduce yourself to them. Consider them as living beings with whom you will interact with the utmost love and respect. Be willing to learn how each core emotion moves, motivates, and inspires you. Re-contextualize yourself to your anger, joy, sympathy, grief, and fear. Be willing to see them from a different light. Develop an intimacy with the places where you feel most vulnerable. Let your heart break wide open to your anger—and, to your joy. Learn to dance with both your generosity, and your loss. Make a sacred space for your emotions in your life, a place of belonging that is free of judgment.

Food for Thought:

How do you express yourself emotionally?

Which emotion are you most afraid of?

Which emotion are you most comfortable with?

How do you move with anger? With joy?

With Blessings and Grace,

Melody

Melody A Scout is an author and Intuitive Spiritual Advisor. Her deep connection to the natural world has influenced her work as a Sacred Landscape Consultant and Plant Spirit Medicine practitioner. She is currently writing a book called Soul of the Seasons which explores the wisdom embedded within the seasonal cycles of the natural world and how to find balance and joy in both our inner and outer landscapes.

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The Art of Making Mistakes

Barb Psimas
Artwork by Barbara Psimas, Fine Artist

There’s no way around it, pursuing art and opening to our creativity involves risk. Any time we consider beginning a piece of artwork we must become willing to take a chance. We must become willing to enter into the unknown. We must become willing to be wrong. We must risk feeling silly or embarrassed, of making a mistake.

In my conversations with fellow artists of all types I find that we share similar anxieties or “fear Gremlins”, as author and researched Brene Brown calls them. Fear Gremlins are those insidious creatures who live in our psyches. Whenever we put our hand to a brush or a welder’s torch, a spatula, or the keyboard–basically, any tool of creativity–these annoying fearful critters of the subconscious begin to prattle incessantly, bringing to the surface our deepest fears and insecurities. They blather on with their accusations…

“Who do you think you are?”

“You can’t do that!”

“You don’t have what it takes!”

“You’re not enough! You’re not enough! You’re not enough!”

I’m sure you could add a few of your own.

In Five Element medicine Summer is the season represented by the element of Fire, and Water represents the season of Winter. Both Water and Fire are essential elements that support and nourish our creative spirits and, where we often experience the most conflict. In their balanced states Fire and Water temper and support each other. In the natural world the sun’s heat is tempered by the moisture in the atmosphere. Water sources such as seas, rivers, streams, and lakes, evaporate in the heat of sunlight. Their moisture then falls in the form of rain and snow over great areas, replenishing the earth, allowing plants to germinate and grow, for new life to begin. Forest fires reduce dead plant material to ash, fortifying the soil. These same fires are also essential in activating certain plants and seeds, allowing them to germinate.

Fire is the element that represents the emotional states of passion, joy, and creativity. Fire generates heat and light; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Our creative work requires warmth, tenderness, trust and deep courage, all important attributes of this essential element. Just as a physical light reveals the details in our artwork, spiritual light reveals the deepest recesses of our hearts. Expressing our creativity involves shining a light into the depth of our soul, revealing who we are at our very core.

Water, by contrast, is the element that symbolizes darkness, mystery, and the emotion of fear. Water is about caution and contemplation, stillness and gestation, risk assessment and fluidity. It is also where death resides. Our fears are here to serve us by alerting us to possible danger. They show us where we feel most secure and, what makes us tremble.

Water quenches Fire and Fire disburses Water. In this way, these two elements keep each other in balance and create an environment that is not only inhabitable, but pleasurable to live in. An imbalance in either of these two powerful elements can create havoc. Think: Forest fires and deserts, floods and avalanches. Spiritually, the element of Water tempers our enthusiasm and passion with time for contemplation and rest.

Though not unique to artists, one of our deepest desires is to live a life filled with warmth and juiciness, with  happiness and joy–but also with the calm reassurance of security. Experiencing a life such as this requires us to develop a delicate and dynamic relationship between the elements of Water and Fire. Too much fear (Water) and we’ll never pick up a tool. Too much passion (Fire) and chaos is the result.

Art is a container for our creativity.

Winter streamWater is of little use without a container. We need a cup from which to drink, pipes to carry water to our homes, rivers and streams need their banks. In art, as in life, one of the most critical aspects of creating is knowing where to begin and knowing when to end. We have to not only pick up a tool and give birth to our work, but also to give it a good death by finishing our art and then sending it out into the world. Or at least out into our living rooms.

Fire spread2Fire, on the other hand, provides the heat of passion that is necessary to carry out our creations. This essential element both warms our hearts and our homes. It brings light to our work, our vision, and our soul. Light shows us the unadulterated truth, revealing our flaws, and our brilliance. Both physical and spiritual light are needed to carry out our work. But too much enthusiasm (Fire) and we’ll keep working and reworking our art until it becomes a muddled mess.

An imbalance in either of these two elements inevitably creates difficulties. Too little Water and we become frozen, unable to take a risk, afraid we’ll make a mistake. Too much Water and our work (and our life) spills out everywhere, our art becomes watered down, soggy. Too little Fire and we lack the creative spark, we will find little joy in our work. Too much Fire and we work without ceasing, leaving only ash in our wake. We may create, but we as we do, we burn down everything in our path including our health and our relationships.

MistakeIf you find yourself stuck in either an excess or deficiency of either Fire or Water, consider how you might bring a little more balance to these elements.

If you are frozen and experiencing a creative block, try engaging with your creative passion. View great works of art and commune with other artists. Make passionate love with your beloved. Take small risks. Start out small. Paint or write for only fifteen minutes. Walk in the sunshine. Give yourself permission to make a mistake, permission to fail.

If you find there’s no beginning or end to your art, that your work (or your life) is in constant chaos, or that you tend to begin, and then discard your work too easily, (a Fire imbalance) try including periods of quiet contemplation into your routine. Sit by a body of water or listen to a calm and reassuring mentor. Spend time meditating. Take breaks. Sit in the dark. Trust that your art will be there, alive and well, when you return to pick up your pencil or awl or keyboard.

“Before every creation there must first be destruction.” — Pablo Picasso

Art is a continual cycle of death and rebirth. Ask any accomplished artist and they will tell you: creating art requires a continual balance between trust and vulnerability, between passion and the willingness to take risks. I am often challenged to find a balance between Water and Fire in both my writing and healing arts. I have found I need periods of solitude balanced with periods of lively interaction with friends and fellow artists.

I invite you to develop a more intimate relationship with your Fire and Water. Strike a good balance between your creativity with your caution, your joy and your fear. Make  a place in your life for both a season of Summer Fire and a quiet Winter’s Rest. When you begin to understand the dynamics between the season of Summer and Winter it cannot help but be reflected in your art, and your life.

 

Blessings and Grace,

Melody

 

Finding Joy In Times of Profound Trouble

In Five Element medicine, Summer is the season for growth, maturing, heart-centered connection, intimacy, joy, communication and happiness. Fire is the element associated with the season of Summer.Fire.jpg
The tragic events this summer (and sadly, nearly every day since) represent the very antithesis of the balanced attributes of Summer Fire. Violence, unrest, miscommunication, greed, rampant fear, and bigotry seem to be present everywhere we turn. These tragedies seem too much to take in, too much for our hearts to process.
DSCF7799a.jpg
Discouragement, apathy, sadness, bitterness, lack of warmth (both physical and emotional), lack of passion, and profound loneliness are all natural responses to experiencing or witnessing trauma. Prolonged exposure to trauma, cruelty, intolerance, bigotry, loss, and indifference  can lead to an imbalance in the season of Summer. Our fire has run low.
Our hearts may literally ache with the pain and suffering that surrounds us, permeating us to our very core. But, how do we reconnect with our joy in times of great distress? We may even wonder…Should we?

We were created to life a joy-filled life. Joy is the emotion essential in keeping the heart healthy and balanced.  Joy comes in many forms from a subtle smile to high-intensity ecstasy. But without regular engagement with joy, a key emotion that supports our health and happiness, the heart grows heavy.

But, what if the burdens of the world seem too much? How do we counter the pain and suffering we experience? When sadness and loneliness start to feel overwhelming  consider engaging in some of the following heart-centered activities to lift your heart:

DSCF7718 Good conversation with a good listener– Never underestimate the power of open and honest communication. Everyone needs a sacred witness. Let it all out. Don’t try to sanitize or “spiritualize” or explain your feelings away. The burdens if the world weigh heavily upon all our hearts and those burdens are not meant to be borne alone. In turn, learn to be a good listener for others. Caution: Be sure to engage with someone who is trustworthy, someone you can trust to handle your heart with gentleness, love, and respect. Someone who can really hear you without a need to offer unsolicited advice or try to “fix” you.

AnoleEncounter Beauty–  Beauty soothes, moves and heals the heart like nothing else. Whether you find beauty in art, music, a sunset, your lover’s touch, a child’s smile, or a beloved pet, take the time to  encounter something beautiful every day. I never fail to find beauty in the plant world. I’m fascinated by their limitless variety of colors, shapes, and growth patterns, and those mysterious flowers! Each bloom is unique and sometimes even to the individual plant itself. Taking a short walk in nature to commune with plants always lifts my spirits.

July 2013 069.jpgLaughter and Play– Though troubling times may seem like the last place for laughter and play these powerful (and highly underrated) expressions  of Joy can literally transform our spirits. Laughter and play (unstructured time for fun) are some of the most healing things we can do for our battered hearts. If you observe the actions of children you will notice that they can, in an instant, drop their hurt, tears, anger–what have you– with an offer to play. While you’re at it don’t forget to laugh. Hang around with people who know how to have a good time, watch a funny movie, take note of the playful antics of your pet. Remember what makes you smile and go find someone to share it with.

Loving Touch– Everyone needs touch. Gentle, soothing touch can go a long way in healing a troubled heart. It can be sexual or not, but it should always be respectful and clearly invited. Hugs, kisses, a hand on the arm, gentle tender caresses have profound healing power. Don’t be afraid to ask for touch when you need it.

Honor Your Heartache– Though sometimes painful beyond words, wounds of the heart can both soften and strengthen us. They can teach us to respect and revere the frailty and sanctity of life. The can teach us to find preciousness in the present moment. Give your heartache the honor and space it needs. Allow it to teach you to become vulnerable to love. Gently soothe and tend to your suffering and, to the suffering of others.

IMG_0245Take a Break– Watching trauma and drama can be addictive. Turn off the radio and TV. Put away the paper and all electronic devices. Give your heart and mind a much needed rest. Instead, take a nap, go dancing, enjoy your favorite hobby, go for a walk or drive or go do one of the above activities. Take a weekly media fast; go at least 24 hours without picking up your phone or computer. Let your calls go to voicemail. I promise you that you will survive. Rest is essential in restoring balance and sanity.

Having a healthy balanced heart ensures that we will have the strength to move through difficult times with grace, courage, and clarity. A balanced heart doesn’t deny our pain and suffering but finds a place of joy in the midst of it.

Sending You Much Joy and Laughter,

Melody

 

Chaos, Truth and the Upside of Destruction

Fire Moose.jpgHave you ever experienced a truth so deep that it reaches in and grabs you at a cellular level? Have you discovered a truth so compelling that rips a hole in your carefully constructed world, refusing to let you rest until you give it a place of honor and respect? Has there been a truth so powerful that in a micro-second it burned through the tattered shrouds of your denial and incited a need for action on its behalf?

In the Five Element tradition, (one of the systems of healing I studied during my Plant Spirit Medicine Healer training) Fire is the element that embodies the purifying qualities of spiritual truth. Under the auspices of Fire, embodied as the Sacred Official of Heart as Supreme Controller, governs our lives through the  unadulterated illumination of Divine Truth. When we submit our lives to the purifying heat of Divine Truth all is laid bare, in shocking clarity and, without judgement. Within this moment of illumination, the ultimate truth of our beloved or our jobs or our relationships are exposed in piercing and unfettered detail.

Exposed by the intense and penetrating light of a truth that is infused with spiritual awareness, Fire’s brilliance both blinds and illuminates with utter transformational clarity.

In an instant we see every behavior-based wart, freckles and hair follicles of our lives. We may discover the light of Divine Truth has revealed the level at which we’ve invested ourselves in a soul-killing job. Perhaps what is revealed is that our beloved is not a fantasy from an uncertain future, but the gentle soul standing right before us.Maybe it has revealed that we must not walk, but run from a abusive, soul-killing relationships or, that we must face the fact that our teenager has become an addict. Our darkness and vulnerabilities, immediately exposed, can leave us feeling raw and vulnerable.

Though much has been made about “speaking our truth,” Divine Truth isn’t subject to the
opinion du jour,  our personal experiences, or  our religious dictates, the Truth, channeled though The Heart as Supreme Controller just is. Divine Truth demands that we summon the deep courage necessary for rigorous self-honesty. Divine Truth demands that we let down our defenses, that we become vulnerable, that we submit to the destruction of a life we have previously known. It demands that we face the consequences of our denial, our dishonesty, and our self-destructive behaviors.

Honesty and integrity, as it happens, are the virtues embedded within a well-balanced Heart as Supreme Controller. Heart is our inner teacher, always living in integrity with Divine Truth. Divine inspiration, pouring into our hearts from a perfect and wise Creator God, both emboldens and humbles, enabling us to speak the truth in love from a place of grounded humility. This is the place in which we become fully willing to accept the consequences of our words and actions. Once this truth pierces our hearts, we can never “unsee” a Divine Truth. Only from this place of divine submission do we find the strength to tell our partner we have tolerated their abuse for the last time, or that we have decided we will no longer carry our family’s destructive secrets, or where we confess our dishonesty to our beloved. We will be compelled to speak these truths though our hearts may tremble and our knees knock. We speak them boldly and with kindness and we are prepared to accept the destruction of the way things have been in order to birth a new integrity into our words and actions.

Frankly, living in the truth from a place of integrity and honesty is not all that much fun. Especially when, due to years of accumulated denial, we have created an illusory cocoon of security in our relationships. The unvarnished truth is, in taking action, to make a change for the better, our relationships will forever change. Relationships may end, business deals may fall apart, you may be attacked or persecuted or shamed for telling the truth. Things will likely get messy and chaotic as those cherished beliefs, the ones grounded in fear and mistrust, disintegrate. But Divine Truth endures the purifying destruction of  the facades and deception, mercifully leaving an empty but nourishing ground in which love can grow, once again.

During the intense but necessary purification process, it may be difficult to decipher whether the chaos we are feeling is divine chaos in action or chaos that comes about as a result of living a life that is out of harmony with our Heart. During this process, it is essential to remain in constant intimate contact with our Creator. It may require that we submit to extended periods of rest, contemplation, listening with an open heart and to trust that our Heart as Supreme Controller will guide our way  by the light of Divine Truth.

It’s good to remember that the strongest of relationships are not those who have artfully avoided disaster, but those which have confronted disaster head on, and found the courage to weather the emotional shit storm that is recovery. Facing Divine Truth is definitely not for the faint of heart. However, if you’re committed to living the life The Creator has prepared for you, a life that began before you were born, you will be imbued with the courage and resilience, not only to endure, but to flourish. Once you commit to living a life that is guided by Divine Truth, you’ll realize you can’t live any other way.

So, here’s to destruction. And to restoration. And to the courage to speak the truth in love. God speed.

(c)2015 Melody Harris

Fire Questions to Ponder:

What in your life needs the purifying light of Divine Truth?

Are you currently experiencing chaos in your life?

Do you know if the chaos you are currently experiencing is the divine chaos that accompanies the destruction of faulty beliefs, or the chaos that results from living a life that is out of integrity with your soul?