Category: Embracing Our Emotions
The power and peace in honoring all that we feel.
Beating Our Swords Into Plowshares
Sometimes I just don’t want to do the more spiritually elevated thing, I just don’t. The most recent presidential election has been just one of those occasions. In the days following the election results I found myself reeling from the wash of emotions coursing through my veins, cycling through my gut, and sharply piercing my heart. Shock. Dismay. Disbelief. Anger. Fear. Heartbreak. Grief, grief, and more grief.
The day after the election one unsuspecting Trump supporter urged me to embrace the new president-elect and to “give him a chance.” “After all,” he offered, “Trump was so sincere in his acceptance speech and even gave Hillary a compliment!” Poor soul, he didn’t understand why his remarks elicited so much vehemence from me. Too soon! Besides, I replied, where was all this desire for unity and forgiveness throughout President Obama’s eight years of presidency? I hung up on him. I had not yet sorted out my feelings about this momentous occasion. I was definitely not ready to make up and play nice.
To be honest, my own barely contained rage and grief surprised me. In the midst of my deeply charged emotional response I had forgotten my own wise and oft-repeated counsel: Give yourself time to express your feelings without judgement. Take some time for rigorous self-honesty. See what gifts your rage, grief and fear are offering you.
This is truly a historical point in time, one in which, in the light of Divine Truth, all has been laid painfully bare. With this brilliant Light, ALL is revealed: our hopes; our desires for unity, peace, and community; and, lost possibilities.
The Light of Truth reveals all. It reveals not only what we’ve hoped and longed for, but also what we fear. The depth and darkness of this emotional abyss does not discriminate. It occupies and terrifies us all.
It is no coincidence, I firmly believe, that these events now occur during the season of Fall. Fall, in Five Element medicine, is represented by the element of Metal and the emotion of grief. Fall is the season to grieve our losses, to respect and value ALL of life and to let go of that which no longer serves us.
Metal is the element that best reflects the qualities of grief. Like Metal, grief is brittle and sharp, swiftly cutting to the core of the matter. It surgically slices away any excess. It excises what is dead or dying, leaving only what is essential to sustain life. This cutting away (loss) is the painful but necessary step in the journey toward restoration and creation.
Metal also represents what is precious, what is truly of value in our lives. In order to make the greatest use of this element, however, metal must first undergo a rigorous refinement process. Under great heat and pressure, impurities are sloughed away. Further refinement comes about through extended periods of hammering and polishing, as metal is crafted into a thing of beauty and utility. What is left is a durable instrument designed to cut and separate. The instrument might be a surgeon’s scalpel, designed to swiftly assist in healing, or a gleaming sword, crafted for battle.
I firmly believe that one of the reasons for all the hatred and fear we have been witnessing in each glimpse into the Dark Abyss of America is due to our collective, unexpressed grief. Unexpressed or denied grief eventually congeals into rage, lack of compassion, and a deep fear of the future and all its uncertainties.
We have a very long history of loss in our country originating from the way we appropriated the land we now call America from the First Peoples, to the trauma of 9/11, to the spectacle that has been this most recent election.
When we cut ourselves off from the powerful emotion of grief, we will find little of value, little to respect. Firmly anchored in our losses we are unable to entertain even the idea of new life. So deep is our grief that we cannot allow anything in because we cannot let anything go. Instead, we hang onto the tiny scraps of a previous life because that is where we last felt valued. We become nostalgic hoarders of a past that no longer, or maybe ever existed.
The loss I felt symbolized in this last election was acute and personal. I became physically ill from the act that reflected misogyny and oppression, the hatred and the fear. My personal glimpse into the Dark Abyss revealed the many faces of disrespect and devaluation of all things female. (You can read my personal story on this experience here.) My heartbreak and grief over the loss of the Divine Feminine has been crushing, as I know it has for many women. With the outcome of the presidential election this loss was resurrected, sharp and deep, and with it all the accumulated anger and despair of not feeling truly seen.
Though our darkest attitudes and behaviors have been unmistakably exposed during this election, I have also been greatly inspired by the stories by women, no longer willing to keep silent, who have courageously come forth with their personal accounts of abuse and recovery. I am encouraged by the desire to reach out and support each other, and by the dialog, however difficult, that has been opened. I am beyond grateful for the male friend who called me after the election to see how I was doing, not only as a fellow citizen and friend, but to see how this event affected me as a woman. What a precious gift!
I’m also inspired to take right action, to actively do something to correct an injustice, for that is ultimately what our anger calls forth in us. I intend to spend more time listening to people of color and differing sexual orientations and of religious beliefs–and yes, differing political views. I seek to find places of commonality, where, though we have differing views and beliefs, we can agree and work together toward ensuring that all families will be safe and adequately fed and housed. I will work to see that we all worship and love and create with respect and without molestation.
So, what’s next? For many of us, the veil between our hopes and reality, between our ideals and what is, has been shredded leaving us with the stark reality of our shortcomings. For some, the feeling is, “Thanks for finally waking up.” Our work remains the same, however. We still have families to care for and communities to support. We have art to create and people to feed. We have injustices to correct and ignorance to educate. We have our stories to tell. We have love to demonstrate.
Here are a few things you can do right now to help heal the great wound of our grief:
Sit quietly with our own grief–truly value and respect all that you have lost.
Honestly examine that which no longer serves you. Honor and respect it until you are ready to let it go.
Comfort those who are grieving.
Offer a hug to someone every day.
Listen with compassion and understanding to your brothers and sisters of differing cultures, races, gender and religions without insisting they see things your way.
Ask for help when you need it.
Take time for joy, passion, beauty and play–they are essential to healing.
Anger demands action, it requires injustice to be corrected and boundaries to be restored. But before you act, ask yourself, “What is most needed here? Do I need to pick up a sword, a plowshare, or both?”
Stand up for those who are disadvantaged, who don’t have a voice.
Make space for the deep emotions of others. NOTE: If you cannot be present with someone through their expression of deep feelings and you find yourself offering unsolicited advice, it may be a signal that you have healing to do with your own unexpressed emotions.
As we learn to move artfully with our grief we can then come to respect and honor the loss of others. We can search the ashes of our experience to find what is truly of value, which can sometimes seem pitifully small. Take heart, what remains will be just enough to bring forth a creation that is rich and meaningful. Together we will find how to use our anger, grief and fear to beat the sword of oppression into the tools that will feed our world for generations to come.
With Love and Grace,
Melody
Look for more on the season of Fall and how to more artfully move through the emotion of grief in my upcoming book Soul of the Seasons. To pre-order Soul of the Seasons: click here.
When Enough Is Enough
Honestly, I felt I had gotten past my wounds of being sexually assaulted all those years ago. Really, I did. Today I found myself weeping again over the loss of dignity and honor of all who have suffered from sexual abuse. I wept for my own loss–for all our losses–because in tolerating these types of actions, it degrades and dishonors us all.
During this election cycle I’ve heard many, many reports from women all over the world who talk/blog/write about having flashbacks as a result of watching this abuser (you know the one, he’s running for the title of Leader of the Free World) not only commit sexual and verbal assault and get away with it, but to then laugh in our faces afterward.
Chew on this for a while: Nearly EVERY woman or girl you know has been on the receiving end of some sort of sexual abuse or assault. I’m not exaggerating. Don’t think so? Ask around. Ask your friends, your wives, your co-workers. Ask your sisters–your daughters. Ask your mother.
At age 11 I was groped by an uncle, at 13 I was assaulted by a family member, at age 15 a man exposed himself to me and two of my girlfriends on a lonely country road. At age 20 I was told by my parents I was a slut. Later I was sexually denigrated by both my exes during the course of our separate marriages. So…I know.
I will no longer sit by and remain silent.
Today I came across a post on social media that posed this question: Ladies: Would you rather spend a night of wild passionate sex with (a particular presidential candidate–I will NOT use his name)or take a razor to your eyes? I’m sure the author meant it to be funny but it was about as far from funny as you can get. Reading through the replies, I was stunned to find a number of women willing to choose the former, thinking the whole thing hilarious. The sad truth is, these are just the sort of choices many of us are left with in a culture that tolerates the “boys will be boys” mentality: We either have to smile and put up with it, or face the vicious backlash that results from speaking up. Women and people of color and gays have been “kept in our place” through threats of poverty, job loss, loss of our children, loss of shelter and loss of our dignity. .
When will enough be enough? When will sexual assault become unfunny to you? When it happens to your daughter? Your girlfriend? Your wife? When will you speak up on another’s behalf?
I do not have all the answers here. Crawling out of the utter denigration and disrespect of the feminine will be long and painful. And, there is as much of an imbalance in women as in men. (Trust me when I tell you some of the most vicious attacks I have received on this subject have been from women.)
What we can do is to tell our stories. We can support each other. We can refuse to let someone travel through the aftermath of their assault alone. We can be a sacred witness–to truly hear those who have suffered from any sort of abuse, no matter their gender, race or sexual orientation. Let us no longer be bound together by our wounds but instead by our strength, our courage, and our voices.
Speak out!
So, I will promise you this:
I vow to speak up on behalf of those who have suffered the unspeakable, who have tolerated the intolerable.
I will not play nice.
I will not smile so you can feel more comfortable.
I will not keep silent to protect your wounds.
I will not laugh nervously to escape the backlash/assault that results from speaking up.
I will not dumb down to protect your fragile ego.
I will not shut the fuck up so you can assuage your guilt and continue on with your destruction of all things feminine.
I will NOT.
Never.
Ever.
Ever.
Harvest Time – Reaping Our Rewards
The season of Harvest has arrived. The remnants of Summer Fire are embedded within the warmth of the sunny days, but there’s also cool hints of the coming Fall. The Earth is at the peak of its fullness. There’s nothing to do, no more planting, the growth of the crops is complete, our only task is to harvest the rewards of all our hard work. It’s a time to reap what we have sown.
Gardeners this time of year are up to their eyebrows in tomatoes, cucumbers and zucchini. They cannot possibly think of a single new palatable way to prepare this produce that was once so coveted in the cold days of winter. Unfortunately, all their neighbors are in the same position. It seems as though no matter how much they give away, there’s still more to give. In the season of abundance there’s so much more than we can possibly take in at once.
In Five Element medicine, Harvest is the season of abundance, nourishment and the emotion of sympathy–to truly understand others at a deep level. It’s a time to enjoy all the sweetness life has to offer. It is the moment of perfect satisfaction. There’s no need, no lack. When we are balanced in the season of Harvest we can give from a place which, in our giving, we only become more enriched. We don’t give at the expense of ourselves or another. We cannot be depleted because we give from the Source that has no end.
Whatever you are receiving right now has, in some way, begun as seeds of something sown in the past. If we have sown love and generosity, we may be harvesting the rewards of feelings of contentment or a generosity bestowed upon us in time of our own need. If we have sown seeds of bitterness and hate, we may be reaping relationships that have suffered through alienation, of emotional connections that are now starved of warmth and love. The dedicated gardener knows that weeds produce just as vigorously as vegetables, sometimes even more so.
Sometimes what we are reaping may be deceptive. If we have decided that we need to sow more truth or that we must diligently tend to our own self-care, we may now be reaping the clearing out of relationships that cannot hold up to these new goals. However necessary this clearing out might be, the loss will still be keenly felt. Ultimately, however, your perceived loss is really a net gain.
“Balanced sacrifice is rooted in compassion, acceptance and respect for the dignity of others. Even though you may receive so much more than you’ve given, it’s not the motivating factor for your sacrifice. True sacrifice doesn’t ask you to carve up a serving of your own flesh in order to feed those who call out in hunger. You won’t be called to set yourself on fire in order to keep others warm. You won’t have to give up your very bones in order to build a ladder out of another’s grief and pain. You’ll give from a perfect state of abundance because that’s who you are. Because you are standing amidst the lushness of a harvest that is always available through the generosity of God, you can’t possibly give it all away.” -from Soul of the Seasons (c) 2016 by Melody A Scout
Consider the following questions concerning the Harvest time:
What are you Harvesting in your life right now?
What seeds have you sown in the past and are now coming to fruition?
What do you have in abundance that you can now share with others? Your talent? Food? Time? A hug or smile?
Are you being fed on all levels?
What do you need to receive in the way of nourishment?
By tending to ourselves first in a balanced, healthful way, we can then truly give from a place where we will not feel loss but only gratitude for all we have been given.
Blessings and Peace,
Melody
The Art of Making Mistakes
There’s no way around it, pursuing art and opening to our creativity involves risk. Any time we consider beginning a piece of artwork we must become willing to take a chance. We must become willing to enter into the unknown. We must become willing to be wrong. We must risk feeling silly or embarrassed, of making a mistake.
In my conversations with fellow artists of all types I find that we share similar anxieties or “fear Gremlins”, as author and researched Brene Brown calls them. Fear Gremlins are those insidious creatures who live in our psyches. Whenever we put our hand to a brush or a welder’s torch, a spatula, or the keyboard–basically, any tool of creativity–these annoying fearful critters of the subconscious begin to prattle incessantly, bringing to the surface our deepest fears and insecurities. They blather on with their accusations…
“Who do you think you are?”
“You can’t do that!”
“You don’t have what it takes!”
“You’re not enough! You’re not enough! You’re not enough!”
I’m sure you could add a few of your own.
In Five Element medicine Summer is the season represented by the element of Fire, and Water represents the season of Winter. Both Water and Fire are essential elements that support and nourish our creative spirits and, where we often experience the most conflict. In their balanced states Fire and Water temper and support each other. In the natural world the sun’s heat is tempered by the moisture in the atmosphere. Water sources such as seas, rivers, streams, and lakes, evaporate in the heat of sunlight. Their moisture then falls in the form of rain and snow over great areas, replenishing the earth, allowing plants to germinate and grow, for new life to begin. Forest fires reduce dead plant material to ash, fortifying the soil. These same fires are also essential in activating certain plants and seeds, allowing them to germinate.
Fire is the element that represents the emotional states of passion, joy, and creativity. Fire generates heat and light; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Our creative work requires warmth, tenderness, trust and deep courage, all important attributes of this essential element. Just as a physical light reveals the details in our artwork, spiritual light reveals the deepest recesses of our hearts. Expressing our creativity involves shining a light into the depth of our soul, revealing who we are at our very core.
Water, by contrast, is the element that symbolizes darkness, mystery, and the emotion of fear. Water is about caution and contemplation, stillness and gestation, risk assessment and fluidity. It is also where death resides. Our fears are here to serve us by alerting us to possible danger. They show us where we feel most secure and, what makes us tremble.
Water quenches Fire and Fire disburses Water. In this way, these two elements keep each other in balance and create an environment that is not only inhabitable, but pleasurable to live in. An imbalance in either of these two powerful elements can create havoc. Think: Forest fires and deserts, floods and avalanches. Spiritually, the element of Water tempers our enthusiasm and passion with time for contemplation and rest.
Though not unique to artists, one of our deepest desires is to live a life filled with warmth and juiciness, with happiness and joy–but also with the calm reassurance of security. Experiencing a life such as this requires us to develop a delicate and dynamic relationship between the elements of Water and Fire. Too much fear (Water) and we’ll never pick up a tool. Too much passion (Fire) and chaos is the result.
Art is a container for our creativity.
Water is of little use without a container. We need a cup from which to drink, pipes to carry water to our homes, rivers and streams need their banks. In art, as in life, one of the most critical aspects of creating is knowing where to begin and knowing when to end. We have to not only pick up a tool and give birth to our work, but also to give it a good death by finishing our art and then sending it out into the world. Or at least out into our living rooms.
Fire, on the other hand, provides the heat of passion that is necessary to carry out our creations. This essential element both warms our hearts and our homes. It brings light to our work, our vision, and our soul. Light shows us the unadulterated truth, revealing our flaws, and our brilliance. Both physical and spiritual light are needed to carry out our work. But too much enthusiasm (Fire) and we’ll keep working and reworking our art until it becomes a muddled mess.
An imbalance in either of these two elements inevitably creates difficulties. Too little Water and we become frozen, unable to take a risk, afraid we’ll make a mistake. Too much Water and our work (and our life) spills out everywhere, our art becomes watered down, soggy. Too little Fire and we lack the creative spark, we will find little joy in our work. Too much Fire and we work without ceasing, leaving only ash in our wake. We may create, but we as we do, we burn down everything in our path including our health and our relationships.
If you find yourself stuck in either an excess or deficiency of either Fire or Water, consider how you might bring a little more balance to these elements.
If you are frozen and experiencing a creative block, try engaging with your creative passion. View great works of art and commune with other artists. Make passionate love with your beloved. Take small risks. Start out small. Paint or write for only fifteen minutes. Walk in the sunshine. Give yourself permission to make a mistake, permission to fail.
If you find there’s no beginning or end to your art, that your work (or your life) is in constant chaos, or that you tend to begin, and then discard your work too easily, (a Fire imbalance) try including periods of quiet contemplation into your routine. Sit by a body of water or listen to a calm and reassuring mentor. Spend time meditating. Take breaks. Sit in the dark. Trust that your art will be there, alive and well, when you return to pick up your pencil or awl or keyboard.
“Before every creation there must first be destruction.” — Pablo Picasso
Art is a continual cycle of death and rebirth. Ask any accomplished artist and they will tell you: creating art requires a continual balance between trust and vulnerability, between passion and the willingness to take risks. I am often challenged to find a balance between Water and Fire in both my writing and healing arts. I have found I need periods of solitude balanced with periods of lively interaction with friends and fellow artists.
I invite you to develop a more intimate relationship with your Fire and Water. Strike a good balance between your creativity with your caution, your joy and your fear. Make a place in your life for both a season of Summer Fire and a quiet Winter’s Rest. When you begin to understand the dynamics between the season of Summer and Winter it cannot help but be reflected in your art, and your life.
Blessings and Grace,
Melody
Dealing with Fear: Staking Out Your Square Foot of Sanity
In the heated debates of the current political arena I find myself both incredulous and frustrated, sometimes hysterical with laughter and other times quaking in my boots. People are pairing off, dueling with harsh words of opposition or reciting endless lists of factual and imagined grievances of the opposing position. Sometimes it reminds me of the riot scene from the movie Young Frankenstein*.Casual friends, social media acquaintances and even family members can barely stand to be at the same table with each other. High level discussions are carried on as if it were a life or death matter, and sadly, some of it is just that. I’ve found myself after one or more similar discussions, silently wondering (or aloud to others) about these frustrating on often unproductive conversations:
What could I possibly do to connect with this person? They seem so set in their beliefs and so vehemently opposed to any position except their own. Can’t they see the clear danger their cherished candidate/position is promoting? How can they not see what is going on?
I see by the numerous posts on social media and in discussions over coffee with friends and family that I’m not alone. Many conclude they may simply be light years apart from others in their core beliefs, that the chasm is just too vast.
But, the dynamics that underlay these often polarizing conversations may go much deeper than simply having differing views and core beliefs. The influences that support the divisive contention and resulting backlash is more complex than we might imagine: it may have to do with a biochemical response to fear that is produced by the body and the brain.
Fear-mongering, whether through the dispensing of it or hearing of it, has been used as a successful tactic in motivation and manipulation since the beginning of time and, it can be quite addictive. Fear creates a biochemical reaction in the brain that releases adrenaline and other stress hormones. These biochemicals are then released into the bloodstream resulting in a sort of hormone-induced high that gets us all jacked up and ready to take on any obstacle in our way. Once this “high” wears off we feel flat, spent. We may even feel melancholy or with a lingering irritation. Some of the side effects of spent adrenaline include exhaustion, depression and anger, we may find ourselves unconsciously reaching for another adrenaline “fix”. It’s like watching a train wreck–we want to turn away but somehow we cannot avert our attention from the awesome and terrible gore.
Unchecked fear has some very curious effects and may leave people open to being easily manipulated.When we’re over-stimulated by fear, whether it’s a short-term intense reaction or more subtle but constant exposure over time, the brain begins to shut down the prefrontal cortex to conserve energy as mind and body enter survival mode. Logic and reasoning go out the window as the brain focuses on what it believes is the most immediate threat and what it can reasonably manage in the present. The greater the threat, the need for more singular focus. Everything else is put on the back burner. The mind perceives danger and reacts: it believes it is the time to set our defenses, not for waxing philosophical. It’s the mind and body’s very effective and essential way of keeping us alive when we perceive a threat.
In this ongoing state of threat, whether real or imagined, the individual is immersed in survival mode thinking and tends to grasp at any “fact” to support their position. If there is no voice of calm reason (internal or external) or time taken away from the steady diet of trauma-drama the ability to take in new information is curtailed. Everything looks dark, darker, and black. If we get caught up in the fear cycle we’ll engage exclusively with like-minded people, seeking out data and media resources that support our position and mirror our inner state of alarm. We’ll have little interest in the truth of the matter. In fact, those who oppose our beliefs may create more fear or even activate our rage.
So…what to do if we find ourselves stuck in this merry-go-round of fear? It’s hard to have reasonable discussions on highly-charged subjects when we’re not grounded, when our own fears have become imbalanced. Here are a few steps to help you stay grounded and open during fearful times.
Take care of yourself! This is the first rule in survival training: You can’t be of any use to others if you don’t take of yourself first. Go on a media fast. Put away all electronic devices, printed or other media sources. One 24-hour period a week would be optimal or, at the very least, create a media-free zone every day. The dinner hour is a great place to start. Taking a media break is not a denial of what’s happening in the world but more akin to a mini reboot of mind and spirit. This allows for a renewed perspective so we might more clearly see the greater forces at work.
Second, don’t forget to laugh, play, and have fun. Give your heart and mind a rest from the turmoil. Hug a friend. Have a long soak in the tub. Play with your dog. Have a water balloon fight! Do anything but engage in more of what triggers your fear cycle. Having a few heart-felt moments can reconnect us with a sense of community and remind us of what’s really important in life.
In Five Element medicine Fear is the emotion that is associated with the element of Water. Being in, near or around water may help to sooth and calm your spirit and allow pent up emotions to flow more easily.
Find some areas of commonality. Believe it or not, most people’s core concerns, even those on wildly opposing sides, are often quite similar. If opposing parties can find even one shared common interest, the door may open to more expansive conversation. In doing so you just might see that even though you may vigorously disagree as to the possible solution to a particular problem, you are united in your concerns and aspirations. Talk about your fears and hopes, your dreams for the future. Sometimes just speaking about these things out loud and being truly heard by another can reset our fear cycle.The true purpose of fear is to keep us alert to danger, assess the risks and take appropriate action. If we notice our fears are overwhelming us, simply talking about them with a compassionate listener can reduce our fear and the effects it has on our body, mind and spirit. By expressing our fears in a balanced way we can stay open to clear-minded thinking. In taking a moment to get quiet, we can more easily access our inner wisdom.
Be the calm voice of reason. People who are fearful often respond positively to reassurance or a kind word directed toward something that is uplifting to both parties. Remember there’s a lot more to this world than the horror show that is the political arena right now or the dire state of the world as reflected in the mass media. at the very least we can reassure each other that we all care about family, safety, and a better future for our children.
Fight Fair. If you must argue, to stand up for what you believe to be right from the very core your being, do it with someone you can trust not to throw you under the bus emotionally or intellectually. Frustration and anger are natural responses to unaddressed fear and arguing may be a way that some choose to express that emotional charge. Some (like me) thoroughly enjoy a good verbal sparring match if both parties can come out shaking hands and retain their respect for each other. Resist name-calling and inferences that the other party is ignorant or in denial or both. Don’t use shame to manipulate others or to denigrate their beliefs. Avoid trying to dominate another with your position or your righteousness, it will only create more resistance. Here’s a good rule to follow.: If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it!
Lastly, try to remember that we’re all struggling to find our way. In order to respond effectively in times of fear it’s important to stay grounded yet flexible, to stand clearly on what you know in your heart to be true yet remain open to seeing the world through another’s eyes. It’s important to hear others and to be heard. If you are truly grounded in your convictions, temporarily looking at the world through the eyes of another will not weaken your position but may just open your heart. Examine your core beliefs and don’t be afraid to have them challenged. If you cannot stand for your beliefs to be challenged perhaps they are not serving you as well as you thought. Try to find compassion for those that scare you the most. Honor and respect your fear, not to let it overwhelm you or render you immobile, but to alert you to what really matters in the present moment.With Blessings and Grace to All,
Melody
*I highly recommend watching the movie Young Frankenstein starring Gene Wilder and Terry Garr.
Finding Joy In Times of Profound Trouble
In Five Element medicine, Summer is the season for growth, maturing, heart-centered connection, intimacy, joy, communication and happiness. Fire is the element associated with the season of Summer.
The tragic events this summer (and sadly, nearly every day since) represent the very antithesis of the balanced attributes of Summer Fire. Violence, unrest, miscommunication, greed, rampant fear, and bigotry seem to be present everywhere we turn. These tragedies seem too much to take in, too much for our hearts to process.
Discouragement, apathy, sadness, bitterness, lack of warmth (both physical and emotional), lack of passion, and profound loneliness are all natural responses to experiencing or witnessing trauma. Prolonged exposure to trauma, cruelty, intolerance, bigotry, loss, and indifference can lead to an imbalance in the season of Summer. Our fire has run low.
Our hearts may literally ache with the pain and suffering that surrounds us, permeating us to our very core. But, how do we reconnect with our joy in times of great distress? We may even wonder…Should we?
We were created to life a joy-filled life. Joy is the emotion essential in keeping the heart healthy and balanced. Joy comes in many forms from a subtle smile to high-intensity ecstasy. But without regular engagement with joy, a key emotion that supports our health and happiness, the heart grows heavy.
But, what if the burdens of the world seem too much? How do we counter the pain and suffering we experience? When sadness and loneliness start to feel overwhelming consider engaging in some of the following heart-centered activities to lift your heart:
Good conversation with a good listener– Never underestimate the power of open and honest communication. Everyone needs a sacred witness. Let it all out. Don’t try to sanitize or “spiritualize” or explain your feelings away. The burdens if the world weigh heavily upon all our hearts and those burdens are not meant to be borne alone. In turn, learn to be a good listener for others. Caution: Be sure to engage with someone who is trustworthy, someone you can trust to handle your heart with gentleness, love, and respect. Someone who can really hear you without a need to offer unsolicited advice or try to “fix” you.
Encounter Beauty– Beauty soothes, moves and heals the heart like nothing else. Whether you find beauty in art, music, a sunset, your lover’s touch, a child’s smile, or a beloved pet, take the time to encounter something beautiful every day. I never fail to find beauty in the plant world. I’m fascinated by their limitless variety of colors, shapes, and growth patterns, and those mysterious flowers! Each bloom is unique and sometimes even to the individual plant itself. Taking a short walk in nature to commune with plants always lifts my spirits.
Laughter and Play– Though troubling times may seem like the last place for laughter and play these powerful (and highly underrated) expressions of Joy can literally transform our spirits. Laughter and play (unstructured time for fun) are some of the most healing things we can do for our battered hearts. If you observe the actions of children you will notice that they can, in an instant, drop their hurt, tears, anger–what have you– with an offer to play. While you’re at it don’t forget to laugh. Hang around with people who know how to have a good time, watch a funny movie, take note of the playful antics of your pet. Remember what makes you smile and go find someone to share it with.
Loving Touch– Everyone needs touch. Gentle, soothing touch can go a long way in healing a troubled heart. It can be sexual or not, but it should always be respectful and clearly invited. Hugs, kisses, a hand on the arm, gentle tender caresses have profound healing power. Don’t be afraid to ask for touch when you need it.
Honor Your Heartache– Though sometimes painful beyond words, wounds of the heart can both soften and strengthen us. They can teach us to respect and revere the frailty and sanctity of life. The can teach us to find preciousness in the present moment. Give your heartache the honor and space it needs. Allow it to teach you to become vulnerable to love. Gently soothe and tend to your suffering and, to the suffering of others.
Take a Break– Watching trauma and drama can be addictive. Turn off the radio and TV. Put away the paper and all electronic devices. Give your heart and mind a much needed rest. Instead, take a nap, go dancing, enjoy your favorite hobby, go for a walk or drive or go do one of the above activities. Take a weekly media fast; go at least 24 hours without picking up your phone or computer. Let your calls go to voicemail. I promise you that you will survive. Rest is essential in restoring balance and sanity.
Having a healthy balanced heart ensures that we will have the strength to move through difficult times with grace, courage, and clarity. A balanced heart doesn’t deny our pain and suffering but finds a place of joy in the midst of it.
Sending You Much Joy and Laughter,
Melody
Why You’re Not So Special (and neither am I)
Recently, I listened to a dear friend confide the details of her newly broken heart. She had received the gift of having loved another deeply and now her loss was just as deep. I considered it a privilege to have been asked to been a witness to my friend’s loss, to hear her anger and her deep inner wisdom, to be able to encourage her to give all her emotions a space of honor and respect.
My friend’s recent heartbreak reminded me just how connected we really are. Her pain reminded me of my own still-healing heart. The truth is, we’re all somewhere on the spectrum of brokenhearted and heart-centered, of wholeness and illness, of being spiritually aware and immersed in a dark night of the soul.
Not that many years ago I could not have sat with someone in the midst of such pain and grief without jumping in with the need to “fix” or offer advice on how they might better deal with their loss. To be honest, I still struggle with the role of simply being a witness to someone in need. I’m uncomfortable watching those I love struggle. Suffering makes me uneasy and restless. I truly want others to find comfort, to feel better, but my discomfort, denied and left in the dark, conceals a hidden agenda to try to make others happy so that I can feel better. My discomfort, however, is a signal that I still have work to do.
When another’s experience bumps up against our pain it may comfort us to think, “That’s not me.” or “Thank God I’m over that.” or “I don’t do that anymore.” We might even hijack another’s experience with our own story by one-upping their experience. “You think that’s rough, let me tell you what I went through!” However, neither of these reactions bring any comfort to those struggling, neither brings them any closer to a resolution of life’s difficult passages. In my conversations with clients and loved ones about their darkest moments, they confide that mostly they just needed to be heard and, that the last thing they needed was advice, however well-meaning it might be.
Those deep in their emotional struggles often trigger our own unresolved grief, anger and betrayal wounds. When we see their pain we may reflexively react and try to divert them (and us) away from their painful present and our painful past. Unsolicited advice and one-upmanship, however, are two tools that only create distance between ourselves and those in pain and may be rooted in the need to believe we are beyond the deep pain we see reflected in others. We may want to believe we are separate, that we’re different–that because of everything we’ve gone through that we’re somehow special. Your unique life story makes you a fascinating person, it may be even the makings of a good book, but it doesn’t make you special. We’ve all suffered from love lost and confidences betrayed and rejection from those we thought we could count on. Some of our suffering has been terribly cruel, committed by those enmeshed in their own unexamined darkness but it is all, unfortunately, very common.
What our darkness is really calling for is recognition and healing. To think in terms of “me” and “not me” comes with a price. By denying our grief we create a blind spot to our loss which may result in some less than loving behaviors. In the denial of that loss we will close ourselves off from an awareness of any unhealed darkness that awaits us within. In our discomfort over another’s pain, we may create and maintain a level of denial, and, in the denial of our own pain we cannot be present for another’s.
The need to be seen as “special” only separates and alienates us from those who call on us for support. ‘You can’t possibly understand…you haven’t been through what I have.’ We are not the first to experience heartbreak or spiritual and emotional dark nights, we’re not the first to have been deeply betrayed in a moment of vulnerability by someone we trusted and sadly, we won’t be the last. Note: If being special seems of great importance to you perhaps you might explore whether your grief and pain are calling to you for their due season.
This might sound like the really bad news but it’s also the good news, too. Though our experience may be unique, our lessons are universal. While your experience may not separate or special, your past can help offer a unique insight into another’s pain and suffering. Because we’ve all shared in the experience of loss and betrayal we can then be more empathetic to those who are walking in their own spiritual or emotional darkness. When we become intimately acquainted with our past wounds and we have made peace with them, we can just be with someone who’s hurting instead having to fix them or offer unsolicited advice. But this first requires the hard work of mending our own hearts, of healing our wounds and betrayals.
So, if a friend calls on you in their hour of need be willing to be there, without the well-meaning advice and sparkling insights, without any offer to ‘pull it together’ or a with a reminder that someone else has always had it worse. If another’s experience has triggered discomfort in you, make note of it, and vow to revisit it later to give it its due. For the time being, simply sit with others as they work through their pain. Instead, just be present. Sit with your discomfort, resist the urge to fix others so that you can feel better. Give the gift of deep listening. Being heard will be the best gift you can possibly give them.
Remember, there’s a saint and a sinner in all of us. It’s just that sometimes the needle points a little further in one direction than the other.
Blessings and Grace,
Melody
“Miracles are healing because they supply a lack; they are performed by those who temporarily have more for those who temporarily have less.” -Principle 8. from A Course In Miracles
Continue reading “Why You’re Not So Special (and neither am I)”
10 Things I Learned From Financial Crisis
2015 was a rough year for so many of us. Relationships, jobs, and living situations blew up in our faces or simply evaporated. Many of our relationships were plagued by huge misunderstandings and explosive arguments. Most or all of our systems of security were decimated or, at the very least, severely challenged. I’ve dubbed 2015 The Year of the Exploding Relationships. However, though I’ve always known that though I can’t control life’s circumstances, I can always learn from them. I’m always make a choice on how I want to respond to life and to others.
A while back I wrote a letter to a dear friend while they were in the midst of a devastating financial crisis. I was touched by their heartache and grief over the losses that seemed beyond their control and I was prompted to share them a few things I’ve learned after going through my own financial challenges.
1. You’re always stronger than you think. Always. Even when I couldn’t seem to get out of bed all day, even when I was subsisting on a steady diet of glazed donuts and red wine, and even though I was exhausted and felt invisible to the world there was within me a tiny spark of desire that made me want to get up and try again. And, I did.
2. As painful as it is you will shed the things that no longer serve you. I had to let go of my pride and unwillingness to ask for help (kicking and screaming all the way!). Then, there were my judgments about what it meant to not have money and to not be able to support myself in an “socially acceptable” way. There is nothing dishonorable about being poor yet I was a harsh and unforgiving self-critic on this subject. Eventually I became much gentler and more compassionate with myself. I stopped struggling against the grief of my losses and found that simply in the act of letting go, a weight was lifted. Eventually, I would start over and go anywhere and do anything I wanted. I was no longer tied to a place or to my possessions.
3. You’ll find what is of real value in life. When you are left with little to nothing in material possessions it becomes quite clear what is truly of value in your life. These things, most of the time, are simple pleasures and are likely things you cannot buy at any price; a trusted friendship, the caress of a loved one, a walk in nature, a good cup of coffee with a friend, a beloved pet, the sun on your face, the sound of children laughing, your own beating heart, a brilliant sunrise or sunset. In the end, these are the things that really matter.
4. You’ve no idea how valuable this experience will be to you. You will learn many useful and resourceful abilities. You experience will change the way you look at and approach life. And, in turn you will also be able to relate to and counsel others going through this same difficult journey of loss. Many will be encouraged and comforted by the compassion and understanding that came as a result of going through your loss. You will be able to teach them about valuing what is truly worthwhile from a place of humility, a place of integrity.
5. You will love and appreciate yourself more. You are valuable, just for being you, not for what you can do for someone else. The uniquely creative being that is you is of immense value, far beyond what you can imagine. You have already touched so many lives, and they, in turn, they have touched others, and they, others ,and so on and so on and so on. You may never know how many lives you have influenced for the good. The world needs you. This world would literally not be the same without you having been in it.
6. You don’t have to own things to be able to enjoy them. There was a time when the only things I owned were my clothes and my laptop. I found that people generously offered me use of their possessions…a pool to swim in, a place to garden, good meals, a vehicle to drive, art to appreciate, events to attend, all without asking for anything in return. I could enjoy and appreciate many wonderful things without actually having to “own” them.
7. You will find a place to live in deeper gratitude. You will not wallow in your anguish forever, it’s not your nature to do so. You will find your own inner spark and get up again and walk toward your calling. Some people may press you to find something to be grateful for in the midst of your loss. While this may be very effective for some, I found a hollow ring to my forced words of “gratitude” for my experience. More often, I’d have to first fully immerse myself in the loss, to become vulnerable to my frustration and anger. I needed to embrace the dark emotions that lurked deep in my psyche before I could then forgive and come to a place of gratitude for my experience. Good news is, you’ll find your gratitude again. You’ll continue to experience your gratitude for this experience in new and deeper levels as your life continues to unfold.
8. You will be happy again. You will find that the sun will again touch and warm your heart. You will find a place of joy. You will find delight in the goodness of life again. You will find and renew your passion. You will. I promise.
You are not alone…
9. You are not alone. Early into a spiritual crisis I heard these words directed at me, “You are not alone!” It was a forceful command. And, though I experienced a deep, aching loneliness in those dark hours I now know I was never alone. People reminded me of this along the way but I sometimes found it hard to accept. There’s always a time, a dark night of the soul, that those on a spiritual journey will undergo, a dark night that must be faced in total solitude. Nothing and no one can go through it with you. (read the stories of Jesus and Job) It is a birthing process. Be as gentle with your self as you would a newborn.
10. You are more powerful than you can imagine. This one can be so challenging when you’re feeling anything but powerful. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the grace of empowerment. I get glimpses of this power from time to time – enough to know it to be true. I learned that the most disempowering thing I have is my thoughts. Those dark and harshly judgmental mantras that I repeat over and over in my head… ‘I should have…’, ‘Why didn’t I…’, ‘I don’t deserve to…’, ‘What could I possibly have to offer?’ Underneath this dung heap of thinking is the true gem that is me. Because a gem is covered with dung, doesn’t make it any less valuable; it’s just harder to see its true value. You will stand up again, brush off the dust of your losses and find your true center again. You will. I promise.
Please remember to be gentle and kind with yourself. Pray for the willingness to confront and transform your pain, fear, anger and shame into compassion, wisdom into a renewed vision of God’s purpose for you. It will get better. I promise, it will.
With Much Love and Grace,
Melody
(c) 2015 Melody Harris
Chaos, Truth and the Upside of Destruction
Have you ever experienced a truth so deep that it reaches in and grabs you at a cellular level? Have you discovered a truth so compelling that rips a hole in your carefully constructed world, refusing to let you rest until you give it a place of honor and respect? Has there been a truth so powerful that in a micro-second it burned through the tattered shrouds of your denial and incited a need for action on its behalf?
In the Five Element tradition, (one of the systems of healing I studied during my Plant Spirit Medicine Healer training) Fire is the element that embodies the purifying qualities of spiritual truth. Under the auspices of Fire, embodied as the Sacred Official of Heart as Supreme Controller, governs our lives through the unadulterated illumination of Divine Truth. When we submit our lives to the purifying heat of Divine Truth all is laid bare, in shocking clarity and, without judgement. Within this moment of illumination, the ultimate truth of our beloved or our jobs or our relationships are exposed in piercing and unfettered detail.
Exposed by the intense and penetrating light of a truth that is infused with spiritual awareness, Fire’s brilliance both blinds and illuminates with utter transformational clarity.
In an instant we see every behavior-based wart, freckles and hair follicles of our lives. We may discover the light of Divine Truth has revealed the level at which we’ve invested ourselves in a soul-killing job. Perhaps what is revealed is that our beloved is not a fantasy from an uncertain future, but the gentle soul standing right before us.Maybe it has revealed that we must not walk, but run from a abusive, soul-killing relationships or, that we must face the fact that our teenager has become an addict. Our darkness and vulnerabilities, immediately exposed, can leave us feeling raw and vulnerable.
Though much has been made about “speaking our truth,” Divine Truth isn’t subject to the
opinion du jour, our personal experiences, or our religious dictates, the Truth, channeled though The Heart as Supreme Controller just is. Divine Truth demands that we summon the deep courage necessary for rigorous self-honesty. Divine Truth demands that we let down our defenses, that we become vulnerable, that we submit to the destruction of a life we have previously known. It demands that we face the consequences of our denial, our dishonesty, and our self-destructive behaviors.
Honesty and integrity, as it happens, are the virtues embedded within a well-balanced Heart as Supreme Controller. Heart is our inner teacher, always living in integrity with Divine Truth. Divine inspiration, pouring into our hearts from a perfect and wise Creator God, both emboldens and humbles, enabling us to speak the truth in love from a place of grounded humility. This is the place in which we become fully willing to accept the consequences of our words and actions. Once this truth pierces our hearts, we can never “unsee” a Divine Truth. Only from this place of divine submission do we find the strength to tell our partner we have tolerated their abuse for the last time, or that we have decided we will no longer carry our family’s destructive secrets, or where we confess our dishonesty to our beloved. We will be compelled to speak these truths though our hearts may tremble and our knees knock. We speak them boldly and with kindness and we are prepared to accept the destruction of the way things have been in order to birth a new integrity into our words and actions.
Frankly, living in the truth from a place of integrity and honesty is not all that much fun. Especially when, due to years of accumulated denial, we have created an illusory cocoon of security in our relationships. The unvarnished truth is, in taking action, to make a change for the better, our relationships will forever change. Relationships may end, business deals may fall apart, you may be attacked or persecuted or shamed for telling the truth. Things will likely get messy and chaotic as those cherished beliefs, the ones grounded in fear and mistrust, disintegrate. But Divine Truth endures the purifying destruction of the facades and deception, mercifully leaving an empty but nourishing ground in which love can grow, once again.
During the intense but necessary purification process, it may be difficult to decipher whether the chaos we are feeling is divine chaos in action or chaos that comes about as a result of living a life that is out of harmony with our Heart. During this process, it is essential to remain in constant intimate contact with our Creator. It may require that we submit to extended periods of rest, contemplation, listening with an open heart and to trust that our Heart as Supreme Controller will guide our way by the light of Divine Truth.
It’s good to remember that the strongest of relationships are not those who have artfully avoided disaster, but those which have confronted disaster head on, and found the courage to weather the emotional shit storm that is recovery. Facing Divine Truth is definitely not for the faint of heart. However, if you’re committed to living the life The Creator has prepared for you, a life that began before you were born, you will be imbued with the courage and resilience, not only to endure, but to flourish. Once you commit to living a life that is guided by Divine Truth, you’ll realize you can’t live any other way.
So, here’s to destruction. And to restoration. And to the courage to speak the truth in love. God speed.
(c)2015 Melody Harris
Fire Questions to Ponder:
What in your life needs the purifying light of Divine Truth?
Are you currently experiencing chaos in your life?
Do you know if the chaos you are currently experiencing is the divine chaos that accompanies the destruction of faulty beliefs, or the chaos that results from living a life that is out of integrity with your soul?
Soul of the Seasons: 